The Big Question: Will he try to get in contact with me? Oddly enough, Im grateful for the monster teacher, because the experience is what I needed to break the cycle, face my demons and begin healing. =), Tink,JustHer & Courtney. And the question was, how many times should I forgive MY BROTHER, suggesting a close current relationship, not exes. And yes, it is very much like an addiction. 0 But, are you really compatible? I did the right thing at first by going no contact for a year. We forgive the debt and move on (without the person and without payment). Running upto women and then checking them out, the slurs, even in jest.dont you remember how many times many of us are told oh lighten up its just a JOKE ? He friended me on FB in Sept (seemed innocent enough Ive been to his house a few times), and just messaged me to suggest we go out. For some reason even though he said this and some other things that I found questionable, I am really drawn to him. NC 100% is the only path I need to be on. You do not need to get closure from him, there is nothing he can say which may help but Im not sure. ", When you think about them, your feelings are negative, "The best way to tell if you're holding a grudge is to use your memory," Sal Raichbach, doctor of psychology at, told INSIDER. Bottom line: God loves us all and wants us to love each other and get along. ", "The best way to tell if you're holding a grudge is to use your memory," Sal Raichbach, doctor of psychology at Ambrosia Treatment Center, told INSIDER. Maybe a working definition of forgiveness would help? I couldnt seem to break free. Nat This post was interesting to read as I am 2yrs out of a break-up & happy to be single most of the time but there are times when the past relationship or should I say the EX-EUM still haunts my thoughts. Take a minute. Thinking about what you're actually upset about or why you had that reaction to something that's seemingly minor can help you figure out what's actually at the root of the issue. Your comment as presented reads to me that you are not really considering how all this may affect new guy. my weakness is intelligence too, but rememberintelligent people can be some of the most effed up folks on the planet. He married that gf (maybe, already fiance?) For example, Ive begun to pray for my enemies, including childhood abusers. Though I am far from being Christian, the Biblical reference to forgiving if and when the person shows true remorse and doesnt do the same thing over is appropriate. I know you cant just switch off your memory and forget all the pain that was brought upon you, and as frustrating as that is, its a friendly reminder that I needed the pain in order to grow. The one who hurt them is "the enemy." It beats being vulnerable. Hey, Im working on it. What a beautiful sentence. I still get upset, but less frequently. Lavender, If youre struggling, try thinking of the STDs he may be carrying around with him. Cause, really To me, its no different than drugs or alcohol. Its driving me a bit crazy! I coach clients on this issue as well. I knowtime heals all wounds. If you have a parent, friend, *someone* in your life that feels perpetually disappointed in you and maybe even feels entitled to make their feelings and issues your problem, its okay to say no to this malarkey.Dont forget that my book, The Joy of Saying No: A Simple Plan to Stop People Pleasing, Reclaim Boundaries, and Say Yes to the Life You Want is out now. You might not think that's what you're doing, but it very well could be. The responsible thing to do is therefore to withdraw from new guy and other dating prospects. Resentment is the feeling we have been wronged by someone else and holding a grudge is the belief that we will feel better when we have shown the other person how angry we are, Carrie Krawiec, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Troy, Michigan, told INSIDER. When the anger, blame, shame and resentment dictates and we cant shake it off because were caught between a rock and a hard place that on one hand says, For fecks sake! I tired NC and then realized I was still being affected by her, especailly when I got into relationships. I would never ever let someone treat my child with disrespect or disregard. I typed the website address into the search bar just now while chanting to myself Please let it say something about NOT seeking reassurance and approval and caring from someone who has demonstrated a lack of those things. I was trying to rationalize texting exfriend for support because its the anniversary of my surgery to remove the cancer, and Im feeling vulnerable. Aw mymble, I didnt know it was so bad. It sounds like you did your research on learning about Narcs. I dont know if Im struggling with the definition of forgiveness (which is why I prefer a working definition as theres room for development) or if its the how. ReadyforChange, I would advise you not to break NC. I couldnt really forgive him but I could not let it go either. You need to ask yourself why. I dont wish them damnation as their salvation really is the best revenge. Designed to make you chase him for the carrot of a FWB relationship. My ex EUM and I broke up a week ago and were emailing and he didnt email me all weekend and I was happy. If you're upset with someone, even if you're not fully aware that you are, you may not want to spend a ton of time with them. While I am the queen of holding a grudge, Penn couldn't be more opposite. Your kind words will stay with me and give me extra strength to keep NC. Except I was thinking that maybe I am just seeing bad things in this new guy because of the old one being so bad.. For a person who was badly, When one person is deeply hurt and broken by an offense caused by another person,. Why should it be any different w people? I have told all my friends that I wanted to hear none of it, and would not be able to participate in common friendships- since I dont see him as my friend. Your instincts will tell you when youre ready to move forward and when youve unloaded your baggage. Its not all about day one or week one for the book, and I dont want to resent it or myself. Oh lizzp, never intended to say the new guy doesnt have feelings! I know this may be hard to read, all I can say is that from my own past experience when I was young (you sound quite young but I am making an assumption) when I felt overwhelmed with emotional pain I sometimes acted out from a place of fear, confusion and unwillingness to feel the pain of rejection. Instead, I am putting on a program highlighting the students in this program, their work, and invited the administrator who wants to cut this program to the event so he can actually meet the very students he wants to disposess. I love what you said about real friends would support you, see your reason for NC and not have him showing up ay parties you will be coming to. Q R$::00% B@,6 :S;c889^L3az?YB3xR08Zq@` o% Courtney- thank you so much for your wisdom I know I need to stay out of them soooooo hard. I hated myself, but there was a thrill and fascination Id never experienced before. How did that statement make you feel? Ask yourself, is charm enough to sustain you? MotherofDoodles 5 hr. Learn to say, "I wish you the best.". The Connection Between ADHD & Forgiveness. A clean break is no more than him messing with my head when there is no future. His reset button approach was oh, so, polite and made me crazy, though. Identify what needs healing and who you want to forgive. Unsubscribe at any time. Recovery is exhausting. It is constantly holding something over another person's head, not letting them recover from a past failure. For some reason young women feel they have to tell the jerk how hurt they are by what he did. Ive seen him twice, at events, each time with his wife. Either way, you really dont need to know how well hes doing (it could also just be an act. If hes so happy with her why bother calling you?). If you can truly wish someone the best without being best friends with them, you're probably not holding a grudge. There's a difference between moving on from something that hurt you and forgiving people who don't deserve it. dcd568so sorry for your pain. She is pathetic. What your friends ex is probably trying to do is blacken her name, hurt her if you become friends with him etc etc. These are practical things you can do to get out of his crazy head and into your own for some serious soul-searching (which is far more productive). *Wear a rubber band and whenever you think of your ex, snap it on your wrist. Yes, I ignored huge red flags and was probably a little EU on my end but it sill doesnt excuse what went down. That lasted three months, until my Grandmother died. Whatever happens, commit to treating others with compassion, empathy and respect. It does no logical good M3tal_Shadowhunter 1 yr. ago It's not about helping anyone. Please buy it! I have to learn to forgive me for not being beautiful, desirable enough to get a high quality dude to actually want to live here with me. I can see it in his eyes. Twice previously, Ive tried to b a platonic friend w this twit post ending the r.ship w him (my call both times) & twice he acted poorly, leading me to withdraw & move on. Thats how people meet. It brought back every bad feeling I ever had when I was a little girl. Even small hurts may need to be revisited and forgiven again and again. Quite early on he said he wasnt ready for another relationship (the last one was a year ago, and he feels suffocated in relationships), but that he wanted to try with me. Hugs xx. It made me feel weak and pathetic. These feelings fester in a vacuum, squeeze them out by filling your time and attention with other things. So glad youre out of that horrific situation. Sure, maybe theyve changed, in small, little ways (like Maybe they pay for the entire dinner instead of paying half, lol). Note from the examples: Forgiveness can lead to: Being hurt by someone, particularly someone you love and trust, can cause anger, sadness and confusion. Thats just circumstantial. Im the same. My thing now is, I feel I have to leave this relationship but I dont want to do anything to him that I would not want done to me. Those . Intelligent doesnt automatically mean healthy. Write it on the bathroom mirror if you have to. What I meant was that, no matter whether the person is repentant (and thus deserving forgiveness) or non-repentant (willfully sinning without remorse or change of action, in which case they are constituting themselves an enemy of God and we would be enabling them and condoning their behavior as well as siding with them against God by forgiving them), we have the responsibility for OUR side of the street, which is that we never pay back evil for evil towards them by our own thoughts, words, or actions. I dont know if this helps but when you feel the urge to contact bear in mind that hes probably doing the same with other women too, and was all along. I was having a real rough time in my life a couple of years ago and attracted about 5 different personality disorder types into my life(including NPD). Hes playing with your heart. Not at all. It would be great if his knowing that fact would change his heart, but it doesnt. A speech will be ineffective, or worse, an ego boost for him. Im confused. Itll be wasted emotion on your end. So when I experienced that behavior towards myself, I would ask myself, what would you do if someone were treating your daughter that way. You cant make sense out of insanity and crazymaking. Doormatwhat a lousy situation. Hes an ass. It is very hard to be alone, I am facing the same struggle. It gives me hope that when I leave this house physically I will have the same sense of relief. Stay up to date with what you want to know. The difference between healthy and unhealthy relationships is the way the other person makes you feel. Ask your doctor, Forgiveness Letting go of grudges and bitterness. Write a reverse thought that sends the power back to you (for example, if youre focusing on your exs harem, write about how there is nobody who is exactly like you in the world. Your last two posts have come at exactly the right moment. Thats indifference. also, sending hugs and love your way. But hopefully its a struggle worth winning. And I dont think that my post said differently. Acknowledge your emotions about the harm done to you, recognize how those emotions affect your behavior, and work to release them. And, of course I couldnt tell him I followed him and what I had discovered.