They dont see the need to lie about it, Meanwhile, my friends and I who havent gotten HIV all (surprise, surprise!) Like raising a child is easy. April 9, 2012, 3:57 pm. But hes no knight in shining armor because he is willing to bare some legally minimal level of responsibility. Argh. Like I said, step back and evaluate this situation as if you were an outsider. Imagine the following scenarios. While I realize that this is a stressful situation, your letter indicates that you will always harbor resentment for this child and this woman who will be in you and your boyfriends lives FOREVER. Their choice, honey. She looked enough to bang, though, huh? Its always just a hope. Want to be disappointed, read the comments first and then read the letter. Run as if your life depends on it because it does. Taking no personality responsibility whatsoever and then whining about the consequences? Its because of biology, and a legal system that puts the interests of the child above the interests of the parent. Im not so sure why he isnt allowed to be angry at her decision to keep the baby. This gets to the basic conflict. Your constant blatant disregard for others is increasingly more and more shocking Plus it is only the heteros that are so steadfast and determined to keep fucking people like me over and over All the while, claiming they want smaller government Then get the FUCK out of my bedroom and out of my fucking life. Im not saying this guy is wonderful by any means. But I just don't know anymore. April 9, 2012, 5:24 pm, The mention of being logical for some reason made me think of the whole idea of true abandonment. Even if you wore a condom. Most guys will not pass up good sex and they . And yes it a double standardoh wait men dont have uteruses, silly me. And she was all, Um, yeah, those arent always 100 percent effective. And he was like, THEY SHOULD PUT THAT ON THE BOX!!!! April 9, 2012, 12:24 pm. Why is it that she gets to have his child and not you? Chopper jump on another severe cold day with the right hand exposed to activate the reserve chute. However, I dont think it sounds like hes ready or willing to settle down with either woman. 1. On a side note: If the adoption had not occured and she went after him for support, he could contest it by stating that it would be detrimental to the child as he has no fatherly relationship with the child and introducing such a relationship so many years later would be harmful. No one called him a criminal. And yes, women do use the laws to trap men into financing their lifestyle of choice (as a single mother). Its when I disagree that I usually feel I want to write a comment. April 9, 2012, 12:55 pm, Im sure there are many, many women who would argue that its not all rainbows and butterflies in attaining child support. It's good that he's being a responsible father already by supporting them financially. I think, Chuck, what she meant was that no one is forcing these men to impregnate strangers. I think your anger is severely displaced and I think I know why if you evaluate the situation without being blinded by your inability to live without this guy, you would see that his true character is shining through and its probably not someone you really want to be with. It has nothing to do with the man. Theyre eating each other alive, and theyre doing it up hill both ways, in three feet of snow, with no shoes on! If the woman is not required to support a child The law provides that the parent taking care of the child is entitled to support from the other parent. Even if she was taking it appropriately (same time every day, no antibiotics interfering, etc), it still isnt 100% effective. lets_be_honest Chuck Pelto And I tend to agree that with certain situations, men end up with the raw end of the deal. SweetsAndBeats when i was single i acted as if the other people i was involved with werent thinking about it. Or could CG be right, and this is all a hoax? Or pining away for a father figure theyll never, ever have? SweetsAndBeats He has a responsibility to the baby, but thats as far as it goes. Sure sure you have sex, theres always the possibility of a child. I believe that, in the case of consensual sex leading to pregnancy, both parties would be able to decide if they want to keep the child, and if the man doesnt and the woman does, she should bear full responsibility for child care, because it is a decision she has made. He sounds like a conceited, arrogant, narcissistic a-hole. Because he should have known she could have gotten pregnant! Though some women seem to believe that is the case. Its a crappy scenarios but shit happens, and theres really nothing YOU can do about it. I always try to take what the LW says at face value though, and a lot of times I turn out to be very wrong when the updates come around, but I still always think its better to react to what they said not what I think they said. *ETA: also, most of my comments on here are usually light-heardely dumbed down just to lighten the mood a little. All we know is that she wants to have the baby- maybe because shes prepared to be a wonderful parent. He sounds a bit flakey. I dont agree with it, but the beauty of being an American is we both get to have our views. Iwannatalktosampson Quit trying to dig into other peoples wallets to subsidize your lifestyle choices. By the way, there was no implication that it makes it easy for the woman to get child support. Fuck yes, he shouldnt have a choice in that. It amazes me how people can say things like That whore slept with my boyfriend! and keep a straight face. Only men-children would not use a condom in this situation. It doesnt even come close. Women have complete reproductive autonomy, but as far as I know it is impossible to become impregnated without a man somewhere in the equation. Tell him to fuck off; if he couldnt live without you he should have figured it out before impregnating someone he cant stand. So the fact that none of your good friends have HIV (which is good to hear) doesnt necessarily mean that they are more capable of using a condom than the heterosexuals you know. Really? Therefore, unless a man has sex only with the intent of becoming a father and only with the intent of never being with another woman, he is an asshole. Women are more easily able to get custody? This guy sounds like scum. At the point where he had options he chose one that could result in a pregnancy. His baby momma, the woman he claims he doesnt love and doesnt want to be with, is threatening to harm herself and the baby if he doesnt be with her. Painted_lady April 9, 2012, 3:42 pm. I just think that if he is saying he doesnt want a child then hes probably not fit to be a parent and the parent who does want a child is more fit. April 10, 2012, 7:15 pm. I think what you are forgetting in all of this is that a child is not a peanut. April 9, 2012, 10:34 pm. Youre right Leroy- the really crazy, dramatic ones are the minority and I tend to ignore them as well. Yet you are mad at the other women and not him? Its a difficult question. honeybeenicki iseeshiny Im pretty sure we can all agree on that? The guy had sex with someone who got pregnant. And yes, women do use the laws to trap men into financing their lifestyle of choice (as a single mother).. But still a good thing to have. Though I doubt thats what they really believe. Dont push him to be with this woman. Fourth, this woman should run, not walk, from this dude. The fact that the courts have found that men should be obligated to support mistakes is motivated by a desire to secure the welfare of the child. You dont have an obligation to be faithful to an ex-girlfriend or boyfriend! For the woman to turn around after the fact and say, Whups, knocked up! Sounds like he found something easy, and easy cost a lot.money and happiness. Is it 100% fair to men or women? They arent bad people because of it. "My mom got pregnant from a one-night-stand at 16. Probably a creationist, from what you know about biological science. AndreaMarie Just 10 seconds in the slipstream at 175 mph.. Chuck Pelto But biology puts the woman in the drivers seat once conception results. Heres the fact: LW, you dont get a say in what this woman does, and neither does your boyfriend. But it also tries to say that the man had a part in creating the child. I give up. I think Dan Savage an Santorum have some sexual tension though. Your boyfriend is a scumbag and you should probably not have anything to do with him. And whether you think its fair or not that the woman gets the final say on whether to abort or not and the father has to live with that decision, it doesnt matter. When two people opt to have not conceive by mistake but instead carry through to birth a child, they should be obligated to that child. Because you sound about 17. evanscr05 You are arguing for NO abortion in cases of rape.. After crying, talking, and crying a lot more, he left, and I closed the door behind him. Lucky us. LADIES he could stand her. Its not a comparable situation at all. This dude barebacked some girl, knocked her up, demanded she abort, and then said he wouldnt take responsibility for his child. I think what you are trying to explain are the two types of custodyover the person and over decision making for the person. Both of those things cant be true, LW. A mans legal obligation to support his children is not some well hidden secret and nowhere is it mentioned that hes being asked for anything more. Steve Kellmeyer but he does not have the option to opt out entirely, which is something the pregnant woman can do. Are you unable to fathom that although both men and women are responsible for creating a pregnancy, they arent capable of both taking on the same responsibilities during a pregnancy? 1 mth after we got together, he cheated and got a girl pregnant. Any complications from the abortion would be hers to bear, not his. I try t,o help because I remember when I was young. We do live in a world where your opinion on one thing may not in fact be the most correct or perhaps their might even be two sides, both reasonable and rational positions to take. And he took on the consequences. This is my question for you. As for the whole mans right to not be a parent to a child thing, I agree with _jsw_. She still doesnt get it, but we tried. Regardless, I again find a double standard in saying he must be scum to not want to be in the childs life but that opting to give a child up for adoption is a perfectly viable choice for a woman. That is a WAY better scenario than I mentioned above which would be an in and out dad who pays zilch and really fucks the kids head up. We were on and off for few months, and during that time we both dated other people. He says he cant stand her? April 9, 2012, 6:39 pm, Oh, please. Welcome to parenthood. Maybe that outrage will be the catalyst for you to start a political career in order to change these laws that you feel are so unfair. Good times. According to pro-choice rhetoric, this man has NOTHING to do with the existence of the child. Why you waste any time belly aching about how unfair it is, is beyond me. Thats why we never used condoms. -Wants nothing to do with his own child. You don't say how long you have been together, but there's a reason that you broke up with him then. Well get our hands off your uterus when you get your hands off our wallets. This dude intends to contribute to the childs life financially, but in no other ways, which seems vastly unfair to the child. I dont know how you can defend it. I mean sure I can relate to the horrible emotions one gets about thinking that their guys (even if hes an ex at this point!) Will he react the same? Everyone seems to assume he didnt use a condom, but nothing in the letter says that. He can have an opinion about her but its absurd to be mad at her because they created a baby. How fast his new relationship is moving. Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? bittergaymark Im not exactly sure that the one million people currently estimated to be living in the U.S. would agree with you, but I am fairly certain the 500,000 dead definitely wouldnt. pretty sure he is actually an extreme pro-lifer who is playing into his rhetoric backwards. That fact just rubs me the wrong way. April 9, 2012, 4:55 pm. Again, not unusual, and since the LW and the guy were broken up, the LW has no claim to what the guy could do after the breakup. And guess whatthe potential consequences came to life, quite literally for him. Can I just say that would bother me a lot. React. Made my day! That isnt the case. I'm still contemplating because if my boyfriend finds out, I'm afraid he'll leave me. I do not think he has a duty to be there for the child he never wanted and made it known he did not want to have with time to do something about it. Tell you what sunshine I promise that when men carry the children you all can decide about terminating the pregnancy too irrespective of your partners wants then we will have that equality you want so bad. Consider that this child should be the most important thing in his life, more important than you. Jimmy has made his choice. Sometimes the reasons are clear, such as frequent arguments, lack of interest, and abuse. The baby is coming, the product of a two month relationship. Both agreed to cut him out entirely, up to and including child support, so that he was free of any obligation. I wish it's that easy. Do something to not have one! As of now, all he has done is indicated that he wanted her to have an abortion. Its not the situation, but the way its written. That is really fucked up. But again the adoption makes that all moot. He has an obligation to any future sex partner to keep himself clean. Therefore, why are you depressed? Just feeding on each other and leaving a trail of human wreckage in their wake. But biology runs the show and grown adults know the game going in. Oh, really? I attempt to avoid name calling, but if you have a problem with one person ASKING another person to do or not do ANYTHING, you are a poor excuse for an adult! April 9, 2012, 11:23 am. reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2008): A I didnt see that it made sense for him to send a check for MY child when he never had even met her. And be aware that nothing short of not having sex is 100% guaranteed to prevent pregnancy. She left me for him and and now wants me back. And how can you be mad at the woman? April 10, 2012, 6:32 pm. Why he is scum but a woman who opts for an abortion or adoption isnt its beyond me. Well, the law is schizophrenic. Turns out that the bout of food poisoning she got after their anniversary dinner and the diarrhea that came with it messed with the effectiveness of her birth control pills. Im not questioning the reality of the situation Im questioning the inherent fairness of the law today. Ive seen malarky thrown around quite a bit in this thread. Youre expecting women to put the penis of some guy theyve known for two minutes in their mouth?!?!?!?! lets_be_honest Please. Im a 29-year old mother of two children, and I was in a relationship for 4 years with a man (not the father of my kids), and he has a daughter from a previous relationship as well. It was her choice. And thats why I wouldnt want anything to do with him in the first place. REALLY? I mean every word! And they seem to have a lot of time on their hands. April 10, 2012, 5:35 pm. Um, yeah. I do believe that many accidental pregnancies are not so accidental, but that is all the more reason for people who engage in casual sex, and are dead set against having kids, to do everything in their power to avoid having them! Whether or not she trapped him is irrelevant, in my opinion. No, a responsible father who is involved in the childs life will get joint custody. She didnt ask for any help with the other women so why would people be throwing out their opinions on that? The NBA star is reportedly expecting his third child with personal trainer Maralee Nichols, per The Daily Mail. Im going out on a very weak limb to say that youre probably a better person than this letter which means youre definitely too good for him. Who then supports the child that the man made? TOTALLY USING THAT. I vehemently disagree when it is not in that order. Move on already, LW. But early on, this is not an inevitable outcome, and if only one person wants the child, the other should be able to not be obligated. It doesnt sound like shes ready or willing to deal with him having fathered a child, especially if he changes his mind and wants to be a part of its life. Its more than I can handle on a Monday! Its now you, the man, the other lady and a baby involved in this situation and as far as I can see thats too much people involved already. Welcome.In todays video I PRANK MY GIRLFRIEND !I GOT ANOTHER GIRL PREGNANT PRANK ON GIRLFRIEND. Hell pay for it but wants absolutely nothing to do with it. I believe the definition of an immature asshole is a 40-year-old man who wont own up to his responsibility to be a father to the baby he had equal part in creating. April 9, 2012, 7:03 pm, Wait, whoops, no. Well, its possible that he didnt know her at all, but then after coitus he began to get to know her and things went downhill from there. Its biology. Instead, the LW seems to validate and support his furor, demands of an abortion, etc. When its the woman who will suffer the consequences, its the woman who should be vigilant. Doesnt matter if the owner of cocacola sat down with you and discussed the possible risk of opening a bottle and what you would both do if something went wrong. Id like to hear your explanation as to why that should not be the case. let us know if he had). If the father is ready to accept 100% responsibility for his actions and keep the child, but the woman, not ready for motherhood, wants to abort the child and move on, what do we call this woman? What kind of person he got into a new relationship with. April 10, 2012, 5:06 am, Still, itd be nice if so many women werent so often so shamelessly dishonest about this, wouldnt it? There are so many variations on how the parents choices can conflict but no choice after the fact will make it even for both mother and father. bittergaymark Which is not true. Essence may receive compensation for some links to products and services on this website. To be fair, the pregnant woman could be an idiot too but the only info we have about her is that she participated in sex with the LWs bf after knowing him a short time, says she was on birth control and is now pregnant and planning to raise the child. April 9, 2012, 6:25 pm, Jesus fucking christ! He ought to get a vesectomy since this guy is obviously carrying the manchild gene. Our relationship was mostly good until we hit a rough patch towards the last year of our relationship. Have you ever seen an episode of the Maury show or any other talk drama show? So, in your opinion, anyone who has sex without wanting to get pregnant is an idiot? If a woman gets pregnant from a quick, meaningless relationship and tells the father that shes expecting, and the father wants desperately to keep the baby, what do we call the woman who aborts the child anyways? Hell, given the entitlement and lack of boundaries displayed in your letter, itll probably be your life no matter what. 99% of women would not blame the other woman, baselessly accuse her of trying to trap her bf, be angry that someone she has no relationship with has chosen not have an abortion per their wishes, treat this woman as if she is solely responsible for child she only helped to conceive. As we established earlier, men dont really have the option to walk out on a fetus, because the fetus doesnt need anything from them yet (although certainly dads-to-be provide a lot of support to moms-to-be in most cases). He could have been one of those unforunate souls that DID protect himself, even with the womans added protection, and it still resulted in a child. He has been torn up by the pain he has caused me. He has an obligation to use condoms until he is in a committed relationship to prevent unwanted pregnancy and to prevent HIMSELF from contracting an STD (and thus spreading it around). My hand felt like someone smacked a block of ice with a hammer. If you dont want to potentially end up with a kid with a woman you cant stand, dont have sex with her. Freeze your sperm and get a vasectomy. April 10, 2012, 5:49 pm. April 9, 2012, 10:03 pm, God, are you REALLY this dense? Both sexes suffer from inequalities in the reproductive process due to biology. I dont care. Friends of mine who were raised largely by their mothers but had to deal with their irresponsible, alcoholic fathers who dropped in and out of their lives whenever it pleased them did far more emotional damage to their children than my lack of having a father did to me. I take it, then, that your position is that a man should never ever have sex unless hes either (a) sterile, or (b) willing to raise the possible resulting child and/or pay for that child for a couple of decades, but that a woman has those choices but also can opt for an abortion and so can opt out of the obligation of a child. If there was a child at conception, abortion would be murder. But if its not, ITA with Amanda, LW. Life is unfair. Then the unlikely happens. Actions have consequences. but he wants me and wants to marry me as he said all along Given that fact base, why wouldnt a woman who wanted a baby (but not a husband) entrap a suitable donor? This woman is having a baby, not a concept. I blocked his number, but 2-3 weeks laterhe was calling me from his job, calling me through Facebook, and calling me from a private number. Blood is not everything. evanscr05 A condom would have prevented this whole thing AND protected you from STDs. Being on the Pill is akin to saying that youre not interested in having children, so I think its not completely invalid for him to assume she wasnt ready to have children, and to be angry when he ends up being forced into fatherhood. landygirl AndreaMarie I think hes scum because hes furious with the girl he impregnated. iseeshiny My mother taught me better than that. Whatever the case, youre not adding to the discussion. At which point, no matter what form the chastisement comes, feminists are going to be looking for REAL men..and not finding them. A forty-year-old man knows exactly how women get pregnant and how to avoid that if he absolutely doesnt want a baby. Hey, say what you want about the letter but dont diss my Twilight!!! Hes not a victim, unless she raped him. just like anyone else we were shocked given i was on bc & for me abortion/adoption was just out of the question . Men get to abandon freely and pay no child support if they dont want anything to do with the kid? My hand has never been comfortable in cooler weather ever since.. At a minimum LW needs to take a wait and see attitude. Im waiting for the moral and mental gymnastics that say its OK to force a man to spend 18 years paying to provide a good life for the result of his error in judgement, but its not OK to force a woman to spend nine months working to simply give life to the result of her error in judgement. I know youve been in a tough situation and the fact that you and your daughter came out of it the amazingly awesome people you are shows that all a kid needs is an amazing mother who wants to provide for her kid at whatever cost to herself. But it is a result of a legal system that prioritizes the needs of children over fairness to the parents. April 9, 2012, 9:19 pm, Note I said 99% of PEOPLE in that situation, not women. But its her body Well, department of labor clearly shows that statistically a man in a low-paying job is far more likely to die in a workplace accident over the course of 18 years than a woman over a normal pregnancy. Ill bite. Dont choose to roll those dice if you cant cope with all of the possible outcomes. (i.e. Not good enough. You know as well as I do that the law is gender biased in effect in not in letter. I dont believe in forcing people to become parents either. But there is no ensuring that the child is cared for in an adoption. This is so hard for me. April 10, 2012, 7:25 pm. Hey I have a novel idea. Both a man and a woman are needed to create a baby. But I dont see anything in the letter that means he must be. He explained that they were always arguing, and that they actually broke up when he first talked to me. Im quite late to the discussion, but I took a lot of time reading over the comments, trying to make sense of the two sides of the argument at hand. Second, regardless of what sort of cretin this dude is, the baby mama is no better. Oh I agree that its a bad idea, but still a choice to be made individually. A pregnancy, especially an unplanned one with no real relationship behind it is not a reason to stay together. But sometimes, we don't even realize just how painful they are until after they've happened, and the person you love . Turns out it wasnt even his kid (thats another story), but she showed up at his work, called him repeatedly in the middle of the night, and physically assaulted his friends girlfriend in a parking lot.