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Uncle Monty: Oh! Withnail: Peter Marwood (I): Even a stopped clock tells the right time twice a day. The beauty of the world! Peter Marwood (I): Even a stopped clock tells the right time twice a day. General: I feel unusual. I can never touch meat until it's cooked. Marwood: [cheerfully hopping back over the wall] It's wearing a yellow sock. [leaning out the car window] Now, which of you is going to be a splendid fellow and go down to the Rolls for the rest of the wine? Withnail: [is being arrested for drunk driving] He's so mauve, we don't know what he's planning! [cockily] Withnail and I is a 1986 film comedy written and directed by Bruce Robinson and starring Richard E. Grant (Withnail), Paul McGann (Marwood, the "I" of the title), Richard Griffiths (Uncle Monty) and Ralph Brown (Danny). Throwing themselves into the road gladly to escape all this hideousness! Now, come along, I'm going to teach you how to peel a potato. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Withnail And I. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. Danny: What had I done to offend him? This doesn't go down at all well. Marwood: If I hear more words out of you, I'll put one of these here black pods on you. Marwood: Isaac Parkin: Thanks! Danny: Sophocles. This is the reason bald-headed men are uptight. We live in a land of weather forecasts and breakfasts that set in. Withnail: Oh, my boys, my boys, we're at the end of an age. [on top of a hill, shouting into a valley, his voice echoing] Withnail: This may be the reason bald-headed men are uptight. Monty: Sons are the anchors of a mother's life. Listen, I don't know what my f acquaintance did to upset you but it's nothing to do with me. How dare you tell him I'm a toilet trader?! Withnail: Aren't you getting absurdly high? Danny: [the bull is scraping the ground with its front hoof, snorting]. If my father was loaded I'd ask him for some money. Nonsense, this is a far superior drink to meths! Why didn't I get any soup? Withnail: We've gone on holiday by mistake. If you don't remember the sixties, don't worry neither did they. Well, lick 10 percent of the arses for me, then! Hairs are your aerials. "GET IN THE BACK OF THE VAN!" "I feel like a pig shat in my head." "Don't threaten me with a dead fish." "A coward you are, Withnail. Sherry? I called him a ponce. They can handle the caftan but they cannot handle the bell. Withnail: Listen, we're bona fide, we're not from London. Find *anything*. Withnail: Rejuvenate. You beastly little parasite, how dare you! Trying for even more advantage. Marwood: He's right, Withnail, look at him! Listen, Withnail, it's a stinker. Half an hour? Danny: I don't advise a haircut, man. He had a weight under his fez. Bit early in the morning for festivities, isn't it? Will it? Withnail: Danny: Hair are your aerials. What do you want in here? How dare you call me inhumane?! Monty: Withnail: We'll be back. C*nt give him two years. It can utilise up to 12 skins. Dead down the drain? [offering Monty a glass] It's society's crime, not ours. How can it be so cold in here? I'm getting the *fear*! Nothing that reasonable members of society demand as their rights! No fridges, no televisions, no phones. Withnail: Because if you do, I'll have to give you a dose of medicine. [shouts out of the car window at a man standing on the pavement]. Isaac Parkin: Marwood: What should we do? [he picks up the kettle on the stove. Be seated. You're not leaving me in here alone. Withnail: No you won't, you're not leaving me in here alone. Yarn is the best way to find video clips by quote. I'll swallow it and run a mile! I could take double anything you could. Uncle Monty: Sherry? move forward or backward to get to the perfect spot. I hope you guys like our collection. They pick up signals from the cosmos and transmit them directly into the brain. You're looking very beautiful, man. Look at Geoff Woade! Withnail: Old suit?! And that's why you mustn't hold back, let it ruin your youth as I nearly did over Eric. Withnail: Now, would you leave? Clearly a myth. The carrot has mystery. Don't get uptight with me, man. What is all this tactical necessity and calculated risk? Don't be ridiculous. This is the reason bald-headed men are uptight. And now I'm calling you one. Withnail: Wake up you bastard, or I burn this bastard bed down! Danny: I must go home at once and discuss his problems in depth. My heart's beating like a fucked clock! I dislike relatives in general and in particular mine. I mean look at us! Change down, man, find your neutral space. I'm good looking. Monty: We're in danger, we've got to get out. The carrot has mystery. I think a drink, don't you? Stand aside! Ponce! Ive absolutely no interest in yours. Give in to it, boy. Right, you fucker, I'm going to do the washing up! Withnail: We've gone on holiday by mistake. Jake: And if I spike you, you'll know you've been spoken to. We are not drunks, we are multi-millionaires! It's like Greenland in here. We do it wrong, being so majestical. I've never met him. [Mr Parkin is sitting on his tractor with one leg wrapped from thigh to ankle in a plastic fertiliser bag. [a few minutes later, Withnail re-enters the cottage holding a wet stick]. You fill this with piss, take this pipe down the trouser and sellotape this valve to the end of the old chap. [lunges towards the sink] Withnail: 'He used to get in bad tempers and act up,' said his wife. You can use the left-hand menu to view some of the most popular quotes from the main Withnail and I characters . I tell you, I've a fuck sight more talent that half the rubbish that gets on television. And as Presuming Ed here has so consistently pointed out, we have failed to paint it black. Marwood: (Voice-over) Even a stopped clock tells the right time twice a day, and for once I'm inclined to believe Withnail is right. Withnail and I is a 1986 film comedy written and directed by Bruce Robinson and starring Richard E. Grant (Withnail), Paul McGann (Marwood, the "I" of the title), Richard Griffiths (Uncle Monty) and Ralph Brown (Danny). I feel like a pig shat in my head! How can we make it die? This huge, thatched head with its earlobes and cannonball is now considered sane. Have another look in that shed. We mean no harm! How infinite in faculties! Withnail: Withnail: It's true, I crept the boards in my youth. Listen, I know what you're thinking but I had no alternative. Withnail: Don't look, don't look! It's ridiculous. Look at my tongue, it's wearing a yellow sock. Now, come along, Im going to teach you how to peel a potato., I must have some booze. You lead him astray. How dare you tell him that?! I'm a friend of Montague Withnail's. Well, I'd hardly say that. Withnail: Why don't you use a cup like any other human being? Withnail is walking him to the station in the heavy rain]. [points a fencing sword at Marwood face] Monty: There are things in there, there's a tea-bag growing! Withnail: That's what you'd say, but that wouldn't wash with Geoff. It is called a Camberwell Carrot. I don't know what's in here. What the fuck are you talking about? Be seated. The greatest decade in the history of mankind is over. Marwood: How noble in reason, how infinite in faculties! Here grows the plant Assidos, which, when worn by any one, protects him from the evil spirit, forcing it to state its business and name; consequently the foul spirits keep out of the way there. Here comes another fucker! [extends arm with umbrella straight up to sky]. Me? Nor women neither. [reading graffiti] Listen, we're bona fide, we're not from London. Withnail: Bates novel I'd read. I'm a trained actor reduced to the status of a bum. You mustn't blame yourself. Withnail: Bastard asked me to understudy Konstantin in The Seagull. Change down, man. It'll pass. Hello? [gesturing at the wine bottles and Marwood in the back] [stands barefoot, about to leave Withnail and Marwood's flat] Uncle Monty: Get that damned little swine out of here! Withnail: These are the sort of windows faces look in at! Withnail: I didn't think he'd come all this way. 100% Upvoted. Survey of rural types. Old suit? Withnail: I'll not have this shag sack insulting me! Marwood: The movie, which takes place in England in late 1969, involves the misadventures of a pair of chronically unemployed actors. Withnail: Then they must be delighted with your career. Peter Marwood ("I"): Stop saying that Withnail, of course he's the fucking farmer! It will pass. Plot - Withnail and "I" - the narrator - are two aspiring actors and friends who are looking for a job in London without success. I'd never have wanted it, not with him in it! They pick up signals from the cosmos and transmit them directly into the brain. Monty: You won't keep us anywhere. But no man's put me down yet. Withnail: [ripping Withnail's tartan scarf off his neck] Marwood: (Voice-over) Thirteen million Londoners have to wake up to this. What have you done to them? And yet, to me, what is this quintessence of *dust*? Look at me, I'm 30 in a month and I've got a sole flapping off my shoe . Withnail: If I ever see that silage-heap hanging about up here, I'll take the bastard axe to him. Please don't. Danny: That's what you say. You bloody fool, you should never mix your drinks! Withnail: Tactical necessity. I must be ill. Withnail: Right, you f***er, I'm going to do the washing up. You've got a rush. I expect they're dead down the drain. "Geoff Woade is feeling better and is now prepared to step back into society and start tossing his orb about." Withnail: withnail. Marwood puts his hand on Withnail's shoulder]. Danny: By the time the doors opened he was arseholed on rum and got progressively more arseholed until he could take no more and fell over at about 12 o'clock. This page was last edited on 1 November 2022, at 17:35. The wankers on site don't drink it because they can't afford it! You hold it down, I'll strangle it. And I'm sitting in this bloody shack and I can't cope with Withnail. Oh no, we'd be sucked into his trap! [fondling the money Monty has given them to buy Wellingtons] Withnail: Half an hour? The movie, which takes place in England in late 1969, involves the misadventures of a pair of chronically unemployed actors. Withnail: I'm in a park and I'm practically dead; what good's the countryside? quotes duty call warfare modern war. What fucker said that? Withnail: The movie, which takes place in England in late 1969, involves the misadventures of a pair of chronically unemployed actors. Jesus Christ, this huge, thatched head with its earlobes and cannonball is now considered sane.